I put the star up on the tree and look around to see the glitter, golden and silver, clinging on to the black and white woollen geometric patterns on my sweater. Every year, some of the glitter falls off, and every year, I put some more on. I crouch against the back of the sofa and wriggle my fingers into the handle of my mug, curling them up against the warmth. The smell of coffee mixed with the cold and dry leaves – this is winter, the smell I want to trap in a jar and save up forever. Instead I have to make do with simple remembrance.
It is that time of the year, the one I wait for every remaining day. It is the time I feel the most hopeful, when naïve faith beats any tiny bit of cynicism I might have built up. All the days of locking myself up, heart breaking and making, all the shaking catches up with me, but for once, everything is okay. If only for a day. If only for a moment. It is okay.
And I know this is a skinny love, it ends too soon. So I remember it all – the tinsel on my shoulder, the bokeh lights on the ceiling and that smell, that smell that I am not allowed to keep to myself – and I remember them dearly, just to last another year.
It’s been a good half-a-month so far. Not spectacular, not even close to being perfect…just good. With the new resolutions still feeling quite resolutely stuck inside my heart, a carpe-diem attitude (which even made me re-organise my room…it seriously needed that) and amazing, amazing friends. Far away and near…everywhere.
And thank god for 21st century technology when you can bug your friend at 1.30 AM to say how your room feels like a freakin’ morgue with the cold and your throat is all “It’s war time!” and that you need to make some really hot soup noodles. At 1.30 Ante Meridiem, yes!
Then you encounter dancing maths teachers with your crazy, drunken friends who do nothing to help your uncontrollable laughter syndrome. And meet South Korean girls (“Hi I am Chillee, yes said exactly the way you say what you use while cooking to make your food spicy and hot!” – oh Lord she was the sweetest person ever!) because there are people from all over the world in the college for the annual fest. And of course there is that car driver who makes you prefer the bus (yikes).
And of course there are ‘those days’ when you are totally, justifiably allowed to use the phrase “Those Days”. Those days when things go wrong and they feel bigger than they most probably are. Drama, which we (almost) 19-year olds will laugh about when we are 20.
And then there are those phone calls. With best friends with whom you will fight and then laugh your asses off. And then say “Be Okay” at the same time.