I remember sitting on the pavement outside my school on my last day, with my friend saying something I don’t remember at all.
I was doing something else.
I was saying goodbye.
Not to my school, not to my friends, not to my parents or the house. I was saying goodbye to everything. To every bit of life as I had known till then. There was a different conviction then in my mind, maybe from more than six hundred and fifty days of bit by bit losing myself.
It probably took losing my faith to gain it, properly.
But I had forgotten this.
In the past few days, months, I had forgotten that day, that air of farewell and most importantly that conviction.
I don’t know how I remember it again, so I am writing this down. I am writing this down to every self of mine from this time on because my seventeen year old self had a little courage to then let go and move.
That little bit of courage should be remembered.
I have gone through life mostly trying to please everybody. It is sickening and against my very principle but there is a core inside of me which is simply and utterly scared.
Of what? I don’t know.
But it is scared. This made me never realise who I really am. And I had promised to change that.
I forgot. I am sorry. I got pulled back.
The air smells like that day, of the farewell that I need again. I am going to try once more to break myself and dissolve because goodbye is not leaving, it is not escaping.
It is letting go.
People will always try to engineer your thoughts and tell you that the loftiness of wishes inside your mind is useless. They will try and make your dreams smell funny. But remember how you once looked yourself into the mirror and asked yourself, what have you done that matters?
And then told yourself that one day you’ll answer that question without the slightest hesitation.
When I meet my maker,
(I don’t know what that means but something made me),
I know the question I will be asked – Why was it so imperative that you existed?
I remember sitting on the pavement outside my school on my last day and although I don’t remember many things, I remember the conviction. I thought I was sucked of every last bit of fighting strength that I had, simply because I had to please others (you see, I am always scared). But I wasn’t. And that was one day that my core felt a little less scared, because maybe it takes losing a lot to gain your own self and do something.
It is imperative that I exist.
I will tell you why very soon.