My Vow

I remember sitting on the pavement outside my school on my last day, with my friend saying something I don’t remember at all.
I was doing something else.
I was saying goodbye.

Not to my school, not to my friends, not to my parents or the house. I was saying goodbye to everything. To every bit of life as I had known till then. There was a different conviction then in my mind, maybe from more than six hundred and fifty days of bit by bit losing myself.
It probably took losing my faith to gain it, properly.
But I had forgotten this.
In the past few days, months, I had forgotten that day, that air of farewell and most importantly that conviction.
I don’t know how I remember it again, so I am writing this down. I am writing this down to every self of mine from this time on because my seventeen year old self had a little courage to then let go and move.
That little bit of courage should be remembered.

I have gone through life mostly trying to please everybody. It is sickening and against my very principle but there is a core inside of me which is simply and utterly scared.
Of what? I don’t know.
But it is scared. This made me never realise who I really am. And I had promised to change that.
I forgot. I am sorry. I got pulled back.
The air smells like that day, of the farewell that I need again. I am going to try once more to break myself and dissolve because goodbye is not leaving, it is not escaping.
It is letting go.

People will always try to engineer your thoughts and tell you that the loftiness of wishes inside your mind is useless. They will try and make your dreams smell funny. But remember how you once looked yourself into the mirror and asked yourself, what have you done that matters?
And then told yourself that one day you’ll answer that question without the slightest hesitation.

When I meet my maker,
(I don’t know what that means but something made me),
I know the question I will be asked – Why was it so imperative that you existed?
Why indeed.

I remember sitting on the pavement outside my school on my last day and although I don’t remember many things, I remember the conviction. I thought I was sucked of every last bit of fighting strength that I had, simply because I had to please others (you see, I am always scared). But I wasn’t. And that was one day that my core felt a little less scared, because maybe it takes losing a lot to gain your own self and do something.

It is imperative that I exist.
I will tell you why very soon.

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6 thoughts on “My Vow

  1. It is imperative that I exist.
    I will tell you why very soon.

    It’s so true that we exist in a world that lives and forces us to be pretense that, ultimately, get lost in translation. I experienced the same in the growing up years and we gotta be ourselves and that’s our real identity.

  2. It Is imperative that you exist. And if you sometimes get tired of trying to find out why, give me a call. I’ll tell you how your existence changed mine and maybe that’ll make you try again.

    It’s another year before we sit on another well-worn step and say goodbye to another well-worn life. Another year before we need to wake into the next chapter and follow the story where it goes.

    Here’s to hoping we make the best of it. Of the year left, and what comes after.

    Here’s to hoping we figure it out. As best as we can.

    • :) hello Kimu.

      Your existence changed mine. I cannot imagine how life would have been without us.

      And also another year later, we won’t be doing this alone. I haven’t had that comfort before and now I do, because of you.

  3. I think the best asset of yours is the fact that you are asking these questions and looking for answers with an undercurrent of determination. It is not being scared, trust me on this. As a close friend once told me, the people who ask these questions earlier in life, end up reaching the requisite convergence in a more reasonable time frame. I certainly hope he is right, because I go through similar existential crises all too often!

    • Hello there :)
      I’ll choose to believe your friend :) What he said makes sense. I hope he is right too.
      We are such pros at quarter life crises aren’t we! But we’ll get through them all. We’ll laugh and cry and be very confused at times, but we’ll do our damnedest best.

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