“Too much colour”, I murmur, “Too much colour”.The canvas has too much paint on it. Every colour on my palette has found a place on the canvas, mixing with each other, every shape joining with another. Everything connects, doesn’t it!
What did Jami Attenberg say? “I could write a long list of things about myself that could probably be fixed. But even if I fixed them all, another list would probably crop up in no time at all. And where would it end? How would I know when it was all fixed?” Well, I don’t know whether I even want to fix anything, whether I can be bothered.
What was I thinking? Skulls, why did I paint skulls? And stars too? And something looks like a big butterfly.
Skulls and stars. Maybe it says something about my life – skulls and stars.
The T.V. is still blaring, I can’t bear silence tonight. Elizabethtown is on and Drew is shouting. I know the scene, I’ve watched the movie more times than I can count on my hands. It’s something that Clair says now –
“So you failed. Alright you really failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You failed. You think I care about that? I do understand. You wanna be really great? Then have the courage to fail big and stick around. Make them wonder why you’re still smiling.”
That’s good enough to live by.
Skulls and stars. Yes, that is my life. And the stars are hard to see sometimes. But then again, stars are beautifully constant.