I fear my mind sometimes

I don’t maintain a diary.

Actually, I should re-frame that. I used to maintain a diary, but now I seldom reach out to write in it. I’ve spent too much time tearing out pages from my diaries and filling up the trash bin; so I decided to write in it sparingly and never fill it with my deepest thoughts.

Because the fact is, when I read those entries written in anger, I am shocked. How did I write them? How did I even think of them? It’s not just dark, it is very, very cruel. And I shudder to think what would happen if anybody else in the world read them. I am a horrible person when I am truly angry. But that doesn’t imply that I actually mean those words, right? Not in reality.

No, it is better that they remain in my mind and then quietly fade away. I don’t want to be reminded of them. I don’t want to start constantly hating myself.

Personal diaries are the worst friends to have.

(Damn this writer’s block…)


16 thoughts on “I fear my mind sometimes

  1. Though, I second your opinion on Diaries as worst friends, but sometimes they are the only friends.
    In Diaries we also share some memorable moments. But it mostly consists of the things which are not meant to be read. But still, I think it would make us realize the state of our mind at those situations. Doesn’t it ? So that we may never go back to such a state.

    New to your blog. Nice one.
    Take Care. :)

    • Exactly. Things that are not mean to be read and yet, so many times are.
      And no, diaries are never my friends. Sometimes the only friend of mine is my mind…and trust me my mind is quite enough to handle without adding diaries. :-P

      Glad to have you here,Ajay :-)

  2. i fear my mind too. rather i am ashamed of my mind sometimes, and the thoughts it endlessly seems to inflict upon me. i dont make any diary entries in my diary. oh, i do think it all up, what i feel like writing… all WORDS, but i dont bring them down on paper. as i said, i am ashamed of what people would think about me when they read it.
    worst friends? i agree.
    yeah. damn this writer’s block!! i have so many wonderful stories in my head, but i cant write them down. i simply CANT.

    • You and I can be very, very similar! You could say I write diary entries in my head…so much better and trustworthy isn’t it?

      Forget stories, I wish I could write a paragraph properly…
      Maybe it’s all the tension…it’s got to be…when will it go?

  3. I don’t know as I have never maintained a diary…
    But writers block, Yes. It effects everyone from time to time!!
    Hope you get out soon.
    Take Care.

  4. Hey hey missy,

    You know I have a diary and it has the trashiest of things…I’ve painted black over some stuff written there. Thinking how weird was I ! :X. And don’t get me started on WHAT on earth I wrote about boys. Still it’s tucked there somewhere.

    And be done with IITJEE and I’ll be done with my 2nd reshuffling and then we are hitting our spas and baling chocolate cakes. No ifs or buts. And I love youuuuuuuuu anteeeeeeeeeeebeeeeeee :P

    • Painting them black! Now why didn’t I think of that before!
      Diary entries about boys are way tamer compared to the angry stuff I used to write :-P

      And how can I say no to chocolate cake???

  5. Well, I am pretty clever there ! I have a dual purpose diary………the anger and such bad stuff & also lovey-dovey stays in my permanent diary (i.e. the mind, as labelled by RCM) while nice things like quizzes, food, sky-watching and events are jotted down !!

    Sometimes, I really like to read those…………like that in Class 8, we used to have an imaginary Air Force Squadron in the woods beside the canteen………!! So, those are lovely to recollect :)

  6. There have been two instances when I’ve had a new year resolution to start writing a diary. And both the times I’ve written something that I regretted later.
    Diaries are worst friends? I think I agree now.

    PS: Next year I’m thinking of writing e-diaries, that why I won’t fear anyone would read it, :-P

    First time here,

    • Actually e diaries would mean the same thing for me. I don’t want to read them again myself. Not just about others reading it.
      Thanks for coming :)

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